COMMON CLIMBER
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      • Dorothy, We Aren't on Havana Anymore
      • No Health Insurance Changed How I Climb
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      • Why I Started Common Climber
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      • The Devil's Game
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      • Euro-Death Knot is NOT
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WTF 5.7?

By Stefani Dawn

Some climbing grades, more so than others, are simply unpredictable and can blind-side you.

Dear 5.7,
 
I really want to be your friend, but your personality changes like clothes on a runway model. One minute you are a cruiser, with jugs and great pro, the next moment you force me into Cirque de Soleil contortions and run out.
 
I know, I know, in some demented twist of my psyche I’ve gotten used to your propensity to stick out your surface like a mocking tongue. Or, perhaps, it’s more like a diving board since falling on a tongue would at least be cushy. But when you decide to jut out, the least you could do is make it really sweet, where I can kick off my shoes and sit on my ass while belaying.
 
Oh, and speaking of three dimensional body parts, the slick Buddha belly bulge just doesn’t belong with your type. Unless you give me a hand up off to the side, where I can merrily pass by, inserting bomber pro and playfully pat your shiny belly, this type of sketch is more becoming of your older brother, the 5.10. But, you just don’t seem to get that my dear, as you have thrust way too many bellies in my path and made me clamber ungracefully for dear life.
 
5.7, you are supposed to be sweet, honest, and innocent, or maybe I misunderstood and that’s 5.5.  But, I’ll be damned if you don’t play some cruel tricks. Do you remember the time, times really, when you blazonly displayed your crack, bottom to top, for all the world to see? You advertised, come hither, I will hold your pro with care. But when I arrived you were shallow and superficial or flaring your big mouth. Either way, you threatened to spit out or swallow what I offered, rendering me essentially unprotected.
 
Oh, and I won’t even bother elaborating on all the times you shed your shit on me like lead-filled dandruff. Or when you came off in my hand as I flailed over one of your protruding parts.
 
What about the times when you looked like you were nicely featured, promising holds galore? Then you did it again, and pulled the rug from beneath my feet.
 
It is becoming clear that I have a hopeful fantasy about you. In reality, 5.7, you are the epitome of unpredictability, about as two-faced as they come. But, like the Pavlovian dog who has received the occasional reward, I keep on trying. I guess the joke is on me, WTF?

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© COPYRIGHT AND TRADEMARK, COMMON CLIMBER, 2016. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
  • Home
    • About
  • Writing
    • All Writings (List)
    • Adaptive Climbing >
      • El Capitan: Enock Glidden
      • My Journey to Adaptive Rock Climbing
      • Planning for Mt. Rainier: Adaptive Climbing
      • Resources - Adaptive Climbing
    • Alpine >
      • California Still Has Untouched Climbing Wilderness
      • Mt. Ogden Spanking (Part 1)
      • Mt. Whitney Whipping (Part 2)
      • My Common Epic
    • Equipment (writings) >
      • Carabiner Strength Ratings
      • Climbing Shoes Fit
      • Guide Book Follies
      • Rope Buying 101
      • The One Item to Stockpile
      • Which Way Should I Carry My Trad Rack?
    • Grades, Styles, & Types >
      • Bouldering-Falling
      • Bouldering Grade Advancements
      • Grading Climbs at the Gym
      • Top 10: Increase the Climbing Grade When...
      • Trad Climbing is for Chicken Sh*#s
      • WTF 5.7?
      • 18 Climber Types: Which Are You?
    • Kids >
      • Family Stages
    • Other/Misc >
      • Climbing, Community, and the U.S. Presidential Election
      • Climbing Drinking Games
      • Climbing Gyms: The Gateway Drug
      • Climbing Resolutions
      • Don't Take Granite for Granite
      • Dorothy, We Aren't on Havana Anymore
      • No Health Insurance Changed How I Climb
      • Onsight vs Flash vs Etc...
      • Starting Over
      • The Bane of Northwest Climbing
      • Why I Started Common Climber
    • Poetry >
      • Anti-Social Climbers
      • Ice is Nice
    • Mental-Physical >
      • 12-Weeks to Onsighting a 5.8
      • How Auto-Immune Disease Affected My Climbing
      • Mastering Joy on Easy Street
      • Mind, Body, and Soul
      • Of Cartoons and Quickdraws
      • Push and Pull
      • The Devil's Game
    • Social/Social Media >
      • Climbing into the Fold
      • Diversity in Climbing is Not a Bandwagon
      • My Husband Climbs Stronger than Me
      • Fuck "Gumbies" and "Noobs"
      • Social Network Rescue
    • Safety and Skills >
      • Bolting and Ground-Fall Potential
      • Euro-Death Knot is NOT
      • Multi-Pitch Tips: Two ATCs
      • Sketchy Anchor Bolts
      • Sliding-X Anchor
      • Three Ways to Use a Stick Clip
      • Top 10: Climbing Best Practices
    • Themed Editions >
      • Joshua Tree Articles >
        • Bouldering: JTree Made Me Do It
        • Improv at JTree: Bad Bolts
        • JTree: Bolting Pressure Cooker
        • Joshua Tree: Heinous Approaches
      • Developers and Authors >
        • Kevin Powell
        • Rock Star Groupie
        • Todd Gordon
        • Tony Calderone
    • Travel Stories >
      • Bliss: Climbing in the Blueys
      • Buenos Aires, Argentina Crag
      • Vedauwoo, WY
      • Zone of Craptitude
  • Reviews
    • Equipment/Gear >
      • Belay Device Review >
        • Edelrid Mega Jul
      • Harnesses >
        • ArcTeryx-FL-365
        • Misty Mountain Cadillac
      • Packs and Bags >
        • Sukoa Chalk Bag Review
        • Trango Crag Pack
      • Personal Anchor Systems >
        • Camp-Daisy-Twist
        • Petzl-Dual-Adjust
  • Locations
    • 'Round the World >
      • 20 World Destintions for Adventurous Climbing
    • Australia >
      • Queensland, Australia >
        • Kangaroo Point Photos and Beta
        • Kangaroo Point Review
      • New South Wales Australia >
        • Blue Mountains >
          • Blue Mountains Photos and Beta
          • Blue Mountains Review
        • Nowra >
          • Nowra Photos and Beta
          • Nowra Review
    • Mexico >
      • Potrero Chico Photos and Beta
      • Potrero Chico Review
    • United States >
      • Climbing Area Check List - U.S. >
        • Climbing Area Check List Part 1: Alabama to California
        • Climbing Area Checklist Part 2: Colorado to Michigan
      • California >
        • Joshua Tree >
          • Joshua Tree Photos and Beta
          • Joshua Tree Tips
        • Mount Whitney >
          • Mount Whitney Photos and Beta
      • Idaho >
        • City of Rocks >
          • City of Rocks Photos and Beta
          • City of Rocks Review
      • Oregon >
        • Smith Rock >
          • Smith Rock - Photos and Beta
          • Smith Rock Review
        • Spring Mountain >
          • Spring Mountain Review
          • Spring Mountain - Photos and Beta
        • Trout Creek >
          • Trout Creek Photos and Beta
          • Trout Creek Review
      • Nevada >
        • Red Rock Canyon >
          • Red Rock Canyon Review - Yeahs and Neahs
          • Red Rocks Photos and Beta
        • Gun Club
      • New Hampshire >
        • North Conway, NH
        • Rumney, NH
      • New York >
        • Gunks Review
      • Utah >
        • Echo Canyon
        • Ferguson Canyon >
          • Ferguson Canyon Photos and Beta
          • Ferguson Canyon Review
        • Ibex >
          • Ibex Photos and Beta
          • Ibex Review
        • Maple Canyon >
          • Maple Canyon, Utah Photos and Beta
          • Maple Canyon Review
        • Moab >
          • Moab - Main - Photos and Beta
          • Moab -Main - Review
        • St. George >
          • St. George - Prophesy Wall- Photos and Beta
          • St. George - Prophesy Wall - Review
      • Wyoming >
        • Ten Sleep
  • Contributors
    • Photos by Contributor >
      • Ice Climbing Photos
    • Writings By Author >
      • B - Stephanie Bahnsen
      • C - Erin Collins
      • D - Stefani Dawn
      • G - Leesa Gallia
      • G - Enock Glidden
      • H - Grey Hensley
      • J - Jonathan
      • K- Melissa Kline
      • M - Rick Momsen
      • P - Brice Pollock
      • R - Juan Rodriguez
      • W - Lani Wilson
  • Contact and Submissions
    • Dialogue
    • Mailing List Request